


Poison and the lost ideas of perfection

by AestheticalRaindrops



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Hinata Hajime and Kamukura Izuru Share a Body Simultaneously, Hurt No Comfort, I just want them to be happy, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Please Kill Me, Suffering Komaeda Nagito, Two Minds One Body, please lord give them hugs, stressed Hinata Hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28376847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AestheticalRaindrops/pseuds/AestheticalRaindrops
Summary: The cancer has gotten worse, he's beginning to lose his mindHajime won't give upand Komaeda is really starting to wish that he would
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	Poison and the lost ideas of perfection

**Author's Note:**

> I need to stop pretending writing angst about my kins is therapy

"Hey, are you okay?"

Komaeda didn't deserve this. 

"If something's wrong, I'd want you to tell me."

"Of course Hinata-kun. It's okay"

he didn't deserve this. This worry. This care. This love. This hope. 

He didn't deserve it. Not when he followed that uncaring, unfazed, variant of Hinata to the end of the earth as though he was God. Not when he had done such unspeakable acts to and around innocent people just like Hinata before the surgery. Not when he had dragged poor Hinata in on his horrible luck cycle and not when he had forced such a hopeful person to love someone that wouldn't be around long enough to truly enjoy it.

He didn't deserve a crumb of Hinata's hope, but as always the reserve course gave anyway. Komaeda really wished he wouldn't.

"does it hurt?"

"of course not"

Not with the flow of that drug cocktail numbing his senses, numbing his mind. He couldn't even really feel anymore. He had lost much more than his emotions of course. He had lost his hair, his weight, and whatever hope for the future that Hinata had given him. Memories were beginning to feel fuzzy, repeated in hopes of remembering what was supposed to come next. daily tasks were harder, even without the cancer getting in the way. It was hard to keep thoughts to himself and even harder to keep himself in the present moment. 

He had to though. he saw how hurt Hinata had become after Komaeda had let the name of his old master slip past his dead and chapped lips. 

"I'll find the cure."

"I know you will"

but Komaeda was beginning to doubt that he would. He knew Hinata would probably succeed, but.. Not in time. It was impossible, there was no way. With how far the cancer had progressed before and during the simulation, Komaeda just.. Didn't have that much time left. Hinata was trying so desperately to keep him there, using poison to kill his cells and drugs to numb the pain, and sleeping medication to get him well rested but Komaeda just.. Couldn't find the hope inside him that told him he would make it.

He had become overrun with crippling despair once more, but now without Enoshima's horrid influence or without Kamukura's shining and blistering hope burning him alive. Now he was simply laying in a bed, an IV stuck in his arm, and his skin growing paler and more translucent with every passing day. He didn't want to disappoint Hinata in this way. Anything would be better than disappointing Hinata in this way.

He wouldn't be here for much longer, but he knew Hinata wouldn't lose hope. Wouldn't stop until he couldn't anymore. Him and Kamukura were the same in that way, but Komaeda would never speak the thought aloud. He knew how much Hinata hated that side of him. Hated the other person who shared his body and his brain and hated the idea that they were similar in any way. Still Komaeda could not help but draw the similarities between the two. The pressing intensity when they got serious, the slight furrow in their brow at the sign of a puzzle they were struggling to solve. 

Komeda would never speak these thoughts, but sometimes the resemblance was almost disturbing. 

"Do you know what day it is?"

"You know I don't."

"It's Monday."

"If you had a normal job, I'd be a bit more concerned with you wasting your time with me."

Hinata cracked an empty smile at the weak joke but it really wasn't funny. 

"you should just give up, Hinata-Kun"

Hinata's face went slack, the energy in the room suddenly so cold and so familiarly intense. Komaeda was sure if he squinted he would be able to see the shadow of Kamukura Izuru standing in the corner.

"I can't do that."

"Sure you can, you're the only one who will miss me after all."

"That's not true Komaeda."

"I have no family, the others don't trust me, and I've lost hope that I'll make it through this. You're the only one who tries."

It was true. The others avoided him, plagued by memories of the simulation but also of his terrifying loyalty to the dreaded Kamukura Izuru. He knew they remembered how wretched he was. How disgusting he acted, how utterly despairing he appeared. If he was someone else, he wouldn't want to interact with himself either. He was sure that if Kamukura let Hinata truly know what had happened during that era then Hinata would avoid him too. 

Alas, according to the ex-reserve course, Kamukura hid many of those past memories from him. In a way Komaeda was relieved, now Hinata would never have to know the atrocious way Servant had groveled at Kamukura's feet. Now Hinata would never know just how pathetic Komaeda had been, high on hope and affection, and never considering the consequences of following a man so dangerous and so blisteringly cold. 

but on the other hand he felt like he was lying. now Hinata never knew who he truly was once you pulled back his layers of hope and paper thin mental stability. Now Hinata would never know just how messed up Komaeda truly was. 

"Stop it. You're going to get through this."

"With Hinata's interference, it's highly likely! But my luck has kept me alive for this long, I doubt it will let me actually live." 

"Komaeda please... Just stop."

and he sounds so defeated that the sick boy has to close his mouth and look away. 

"I'm sorry Hinata-kun." 

"it's fine"

but it wasn't. It really wasn't. Komaeda knew deep in his soul that with every self deprecating word and with every hopeless wish for death he was digging a stake into Hinata's heart and twisting. He could see it on the brunettes face, the way the ex-reserve course student would furrow his brow just slightly in that oh so familiar way and how his lips would curve downwards in a concerned frown. Komaeda knew he was hurting him, and yet the words would fall from his despicable mouth anyway. 

"I'm sorry that you've fallen in love with me. It truly is hopeless" 

Hinata didn't respond, but Komaeda didn't really need him to anyway. He knew the truth by now, how hopeless this situation really was. His cells would keep multiplying and his brain would keep deteriorating and at this rate even if Hinata could truly cure the cancer, would his mind even still be in his body? Even if he was healthy in his physical weight, would his brain also be? 

There were two things working against the both of them. Komaeda was beginning to realize death would just be easier.

"he's worried to you know"

"who?"

"you know who."

And Komaeda did, but he didn't want to even consider it. 

"he's part of the reason we've been working so hard."

"you know it's rude to lie to someone on their death bed, right Hinata-kun?"

"I'm not lying Komaeda. I hear his thoughts just like he hears mine. He could never have cared for you the way you cared for him, but that doesn't mean there was never anything there. I don't know the ends and outs of your relationship with him and honestly I don't think I ever want to know, but if you can't stay alive for me, then maybe you can stay alive for him."

and then Hinata was gone. Out the door and into the tropical heat and Komaeda really wished he would've stayed.

Forcing him to be alone was the worst thing that Kamukura ever did, and now Hinata was doing it to. He supposed that maybe he deserved this, but at the end of the day whether it was for Kamukura or for Hinata, Komaeda was simply tired of living for someone else. 

he wished he could live for himself, but as he began to slip into unconsciousness thanks to the morphine and the other pain killers running through his veins, he began to realize that it simply wasn't likely he'd even get the chance


End file.
